The Night I Found My Han

What is Han?

Han. It's more than just a cool first name for Star Wars character Han Solo. It's a distinctly Korean phenomenon defined by Wikipedia as:

"Han or Haan^[1] is a concept in Korean culture attributed as a unique Korean cultural trait which has resulted from Korea's frequent exposure to invasions by overwhelming foreign powers. Han denotes a collective feeling of oppression and isolation in the face of insurmountable odds (the overcoming of which is beyond the nation's capabilities on its own). It connotes aspects of lament and un-avenged injustice.

Han is frequently translated as sorrow, spite, rancor, regret, resentment or grief, among many other attempts to explain a concept that has no English equivalent. Han is an inherent characteristic of the Korean character and as such finds expression, implied or explicit, in nearly every aspect of Korean life and culture.^[5]

Han is sorrow caused by heavy suffering, injustice or persecution, a dull lingering ache in the soul. It is a blend of lifelong sorrow and resentment, neither more powerful than the other. Han is imbued with resignation, bitter acceptance and a grim determination to wait until vengeance can at last be achieved.^[5]

Han is passive. It yearns for vengeance, but does not seek it. Han is held close to the heart, hoping and patient but never aggressive. It becomes part of the blood and breath of a person. There is a sense of lamentation and even of reproach toward the destiny that led to such misery.^[5]"

As a dance artist, I have always leaned towards the darker, edgier material. The work I find most satisfying is that which expresses anger, sadness, melancholy, and revenge. And now I know why...it's in my genetics.

The Night I Found My Han

I was sitting at my vanity, washing my face after a long night of teaching. And I was suddenly overcome with a yearning in my heart that was so painful I burst into tears. It ached where my stomach meets my chest, with an unrelenting pain that said one thing to me: HOME.

I called my mother (adopted mother) and began sputtering hysterically. In between sobs and  choked up sentiments, she frantically tried to calm me down. I was experiencing something that neither of us was prepared for, and she didn't know what to say.

Desperate, all I could say was "I just feel this aching in my heart for HOME! And it hurts so badly!"

My poor mother thought I was having a nervous breakdown. But it wasn't a breakdown...rather it was an awakening in my heart. The same way the salmon heads back towards its birthing river on instinct, my Han had awakened, and it was breaking me inside.

Epigenetics

Recently it was discovered that the traumas experienced by Holocaust survivors altered the DNA of their offspring.  Their children were found to have higher instances of stress disorders. This lends powerful scientific evidence to support the phenomenon I was experiencing. 

The centuries of oppression and conquering by the Japanese had taken its toll, and so I was experiencing something quite normal for many Korean Adoptees: Longing for the motherland.

Connecting To The Motherland

I became obsessed with Korea. I began visiting the local Korean food store H-Mart, wandering aimlessly down the aisles. I had no idea what many of the items were: burdock root, young ginger, lotus root, fermented tofu, kimchi, sweet potato noodles.....but I wanted to know. I visited local Korean cafes, and unable to speak Korean, I would point at an item on the menu and wait to see what they brought me.

K-pop videos fascinated me, as they were a current, modern presentation of the Korean culture which seemed to exist in the past for me. I would watch the dancers in the videos and feel connected to them because I was also a dancer, but feel so distant because they were in the motherland and I was not.

I didn't realize it yet, but the painful night I found my Han was the beginning of a journey for me, back to the motherland.